Chapel of Optimal Life

A traditional Bible-based Christian church
A Bible-based Christian church for the modern age
A church based on the teachings of all the great thinkers
A new age church for the inquiring mind

ADVICE: Dear Angel

I am a nineteen year old college junior, quite intelligent in college subjects but woefully lacking in social smarts and skills. My parents are very prominent in our city each in different fields. My older brother is following in their footsteps and is already a rising star in political office. I'm the shy intelligent one who is ill at ease in almost every social situation. My folks and brother ask me questions then never wait for me to answer before they blather on.

I am completely beguiled, completely confused and completely happy/miserable.

I'm not crazy about my home situation but I am nineteen years used to it. My college situation is different. I am just as much out of the limelight here but I do not want to become used to it in every other venue for the rest of my life.

Since I arrived at college, I have had two major crushes on girls in my classes. I think you would call them lusts. I never imagined anything could take such hold of me and make me so miserable when first one and later the other appeared not to know or care I was alive.

Although I know all the cautions about chat rooms, I finally succumbed to the temptation and went on one, then another which weren't satisfactory. But the third one I tried (name deleted by Angel) was the charm. I have been corresponding with a person who claims to be a woman, twenty-four years, single and so much like me socially it's scary.

I am aware that "she" could be a sixty year old man or a fourteen year old girl. She keeps her personal information to a minimum and so have I. But when we discuss politics, religion, sex, marriage, children, personal goals, we are as one. I am in lust with this phantom and I don't know what to do about it.

I am also aware that she may be intuiting from my small hints, the answers that I am looking for.

I am completely beguiled, completely confused and completely happy/miserable.

How can I find the truth about this phantom without danger to me, both, from her and from my own disillusionment.

Phantom Lover

Dear Lover,

I had a friend many years ago who told me the same story you are telling except the college was a church he attended. I asked him to tell me about these girls who didn't know or care if he was alive. Turns out there were three and all were the best looking, most sought after, brightest, wittiest and he, sweet darling that he was, was not. I advised him to lower his standards and six months later he was happily married (and still is) to the woman who was meant for him.

The Web has many attractions, most especially the anonymity of web mail. For instance, I don't know much about you except that you may be a male of nineteen and intelligent and shy. And what do you know about me? That I may be a female and intelligent and anything but shy.

And now we are having a web mail conversation and you don't really want to meet me and I don't really want to meet you.

Replace me with your phantom lady friend and the bottom line is you should not really want to meet each other.

Carry on your chat room romance, without personal information, until one of you tires and drops out. No one knows the exact figures for chat room romances but common sense should tell you the odds of the phantom being the one and only for you and you being the one and only for the phantom are infinitesimal.

And, I promise you, the odds that you both will be disillusioned are exceedingly high.

Bottom Line: Do not give any personal information and do not ever try to meet her.

I do care for your physical and emotional safety,




The Bulldog And The Parrot

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT !"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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